I feel especially ashamed of my fantasy for cuckold and hotwife — erotic template in sex addiction

Question and Answer:

I feel especially ashamed of my fantasy for cuckold and hotwife. Am I just a pervert? Can my erotic template change? Should it?

Certified Sex Therapist David Ley (I don’t agree with everything he says but his perspective is worth understanding) talks about how he helped a client who was going on his third divorce because he kept trying to force his wife into this fantasy. The cuckold/hotwife fantasy is one where a man imagines his wife as a hypersexual person with a strong desire that craves sex from a variety of men. According to Ley, this fantasy is one of the strongest fantasies for males because deep in the sub-conscious our body and brain know we have to compete for our mate and it brings about a strong orgasm. There’s also some power dynamics involved that fuel the fantasy. Don’t shame yourself for the fantasy. There are also powerful attachment issues in play with this fantasy.

Fantasies can be great, as long as they are kept as fantasy. If your fantasy is leading you to act out with masturbation or porn in ways that go against your values. Or if you are pressuring your partner to participate in the fantasy with you against their will, then you are crossing boundaries into narcissism and behavior that can lead to addiction. You can get help if you are caught up in this behavior.

It’s important to acknowledge that sexual fetishes, fantasies, and erotic templates are a normal aspect of human sexuality. However, when these become distressing or harmful to oneself or others, it may indicate a need for change. In sex addiction recovery, this process often involves exploring the origins of these desires and understanding how they serve as coping mechanisms for underlying emotional pain or stressors. Professional therapeutic interventions can provide strategies to replace destructive patterns with healthier ones while fostering self-compassion and acceptance. The goal is not necessarily to eradicate such inclinations but rather channel them in a more constructive manner that aligns with one’s values and desired life trajectory.

An important thing to understand is that erotic templates are not fixed. Sexual orientation does not typically change nor is it advised to try to change it.

If we have erotic templates, fantasies, and fetishes that are distressing to us, it may be possible to do some trauma and core belief work that might help undo or lessen the intensity of these. Therapy is advised.


My husband has a cuckold and hotwife fantasy. I don’t want to, but should I do it to keep him from straying?


You should only participate in sexual behaviors and fantasies that align with your values, you enjoy, and enhance your relationship. If your husband is pressuring you, then you should communicate clearly and set boundaries. Working with a marriage counselor might also be beneficial.

Expanding on the answer to the question about cuckold and hotwife fantasies, it’s important for both partners in a relationship to communicate their sexual desires with openness and honesty. However, participation in any sexual activity should always be consensual and based on mutual respect and trust. As a betrayed partner, it can be challenging to navigate this situation without feeling insecure or resentful towards your significant other. Seeking guidance from an experienced marriage counselor who specializes in betrayal trauma therapy can provide a safe space to discuss these issues while fostering emotional healing and growth within the relationship. Ultimately, focusing on developing healthy communication skills, setting boundaries that align with personal values, and nurturing self-compassion are essential elements of recovery from sex addiction and betrayal trauma alike.



Also Read:
Can my narcissist husband change?
Best Sex Addiction and Betrayal Trauma Books

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