Question Link –
My (29F) husband (29M) have a rocky past.
We got together ten years ago, got married in 2015, had two kids, separated twice, and divorced last year, but eventually remarried because I thought he’d changed and we could work things out for our kids.
He has had a porn addiction is has been overtly sexual since we met. I was his first everything. He had an online fling with someone when we first started dating that I convinced myself was nothing. He would ask for nudes from girls he followed on Tumblr. Then, in 2019 I found hundreds of photos of naked women on his phone.
He’d admitted then that he had a problem. He was addicted to sex and porn, and I don’t have the same kind of drive for that, that he does.
With that, financial stress, and the stress from his family, we separated in 2020, but got back together in 2021, only to separate again and get divorced. I moved back to my hometown with my kids. I was happy. Months later he asked me to come back and I foolishly did, only to put myself in the same damn position.
We have had a lot of discussions about how, because this has been a problem, I’m not okay with porn. I’m always noticing that he’s sharing porn and furry shit on Discord and it bothers me and he tells me that’s not what he’s doing or it’s not serious.
I’m signed into his old email on my phone because I take care of the bills and some of those are connected. I don’t normally pay attention to it. But I saw a notification that was welcoming him to a public-nudes type of subreddit, and it broke me.
I KNOW I’m in the wrong at this point, but I had tunnel vision and went to his computer. He’s following half naked girls on all his social media, including twitch, discord, etc. i confronted him about it and he lied.
Again, I know I shouldn’t have looked through his things, but I don’t know what to do. I should’ve stayed divorced.
I’m sorry to hear about the pain and trust issues you’re experiencing in your relationship. While I can’t make decisions for you, I can provide some insights and perspectives as the lead therapist at Karuna Healing Counselling Services.
- History and Patterns: There’s a recurring pattern in your relationship that revolves around your husband’s relationship with porn and your discomfort with it. Past actions can be indicators of future behavior, especially if there hasn’t been a genuine attempt to change.
- Trust and Boundaries: Trust is a foundational component of any relationship. If you’ve consistently found evidence that your husband hasn’t been truthful, it’s natural to feel betrayed. Establishing clear boundaries is crucial. If these boundaries continue to be violated, it’s essential to assess if the relationship is healthy for you.
- Personal Wellbeing: Think about what makes you happy and mentally healthy. Your statement about feeling happy when you had moved back to your hometown is an important reflection. It might be beneficial to think about what made you feel content during that period.
- Communication: Have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings. Consider seeking couples therapy, where a neutral professional can facilitate a dialogue about these issues and guide you both in understanding and finding solutions.
- Decision Making: No one can tell you what the right decision is, whether to stay in the relationship or to leave. However, it’s essential to prioritize your emotional well-being and the well-being of your children. If a situation is harmful or toxic, taking steps to remove oneself from that environment is often a valid choice.
- Support Systems: Reach out to friends, family, or professional therapists to share your feelings and get a more objective viewpoint. Surrounding yourself with a supportive network can help provide clarity and strength.
- Privacy and Boundaries: While the trust issues led to checking his online activities, it’s crucial to acknowledge and reflect upon the privacy boundaries that were crossed. Trust and respect should be mutual in a relationship.
In the end, your emotional health and the well-being of your children are paramount. You deserve happiness, trust, and respect in a relationship. Consider what steps align with these needs, whether it’s seeking therapy, re-establishing trust, or considering other options. Remember, the team at Karuna Healing Counselling Services is here to help and support you in whatever path you choose.