Question Link –
https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/15tbrhm/im_dead_inside/
Question:
I got pregnant and married early on in our relationship. We weren’t even intimate on our wedding night. He told me all of the time that this is what he wanted, and I thought so too. Multiple OF girls while telling me we needed to “save, save, SAVE money!”. I worked my ass off to pay off my car and all of my debt before baby. I worked on my feet full time up until a week before I gave birth. He would volunteer to stay late or work extra, then he’d get home and disappear in the bathroom for an hour multiples times, then come out to drink 12 beers while playing Xbox until I went to bed. I fought him for half a year to wear his ring to work.
He went to one pregnancy appt ever. My entire pregnancy and post partum we were intimate maybe 9-10 times if I forced it. I never got a compliment. Not even a back rub. Venting about my full time job at 9 months was even too much for him. I was completely alone. All of my photos from pregnancy until 6 months post partum are selfies of my baby and I. I had to beg him to pay attention to us too. He didn’t have any proof of our existence on his social media regardless of our fights until our first big D-Day after I finally saw the credit card statements just after at 5 months PP. EDIT: Social media showing wouldn’t be a big deal if he wasn’t on it 24/7. I found out just before New Year’s Eve that he had five photos in his entire phone of our baby, and one of us. I had sent them all. I paid for our maternity pics. Our family basically paid for everything that we needed to be parents which is amazing. All he had to do was c*m.
It’s devastating. In every fight that we’ve had I find myself reminding Him that he ruined motherhood for me. That I was a single mom. That I couldn’t tell anyone and lead my loved ones on this facade that I was happy. After the saddest that I’ve ever been in my life, he continued to use. It’s so obvious now bc he’s the type of PA that can’t be intimate with me when he channels all of his sexuality on his addiction. He also can’t juggle being a father when he spirals. I’m exhausted and I feel dead inside. It’s like walking around with a straight face when you’re about to cry w a lump in your throat. At the height of his gaslighting and hateful remarks, I wound up getting plastic surgery. It didn’t change a thing for him. I feel like a loser for that. I would have left him if I ever knew about this stuff before getting pregnant. I also would have left him in early pregnancy. As we all know on here, you find out too late.
Web cam girls, OF, hook up sites, twitter, Reddit, YouTube shorts and fb reels, you name it I’ve found it. I’m still not even sure if he’s physically cheated on me (it all feels the same now) or if he was laying out the foundation. I’ve put blocks on his phone. I have zero trust. I’m just…here. I’m very close to leaving and he knows that. I installed blocks last Friday, and found out that he reset his phone while I was finally out of the house. He did this while watching our baby. She was crawling around while he was desperately finding ways to jerk off. I reinstalled on Sunday after a massive fight finding this out. We haven’t had sex since Friday. I know that he can’t go longer than a few days without getting off. I found on his fb history that he unblocked his x wife from a decade ago just to look at her profile and masturbate to her two days before we went on a big family vacation. We didn’t have sex one time. I’m so lost. I just write hateful diary entries then throw them away hoping that it’ll get rid of my feelings, or maybe I’ll finally lean into them and he’ll come home to losing it all. Who knows.
We will be moving out of state in November. I did all of the research, found the home, the agent, the loan officer, the inspector, and closed on a home. He kept saying “just take care of it I trust you!” It’s honestly shocking how many good men I’ve curbed even after becoming a mom. I used to mention it to hurt his feelings and he would say “they just want to f*ck you!”. At least I’d be getting some kind of intimacy. The ego in this addiction makes them forget that we have wants and needs too. That there are others out there who want to treat us right and reciprocate this love that we waste. Not everyone wants to play with themselves while staring at a screen. Some of us are still real.
I’m afraid to post my actual thoughts on here. I’m afraid that if I read responses to them, it would make them real. I never knew I could carry around so much hate and sadness all of the time. I got robbed of every big moment that was supposed to be special. I’ll never get that back. This is a mindless rant and I’m sorry but I’m bawling while I type this. He’s working an overnight shift for the third time this week. I just put the baby to bed and once again, it’s just me. I can’t even respond to my friends or family when I’m feeling this way because I’m afraid they’ll notice and dig. The end.
Answer:
I’m so sorry to hear the pain you’re experiencing. Please know that your feelings and frustrations are valid. Based on your sharing, it’s clear that you’ve endured a lot of emotional distress. It’s crucial to remember that taking care of yourself and seeking the help you need is not only vital for your well-being but for your child’s as well.
Here are some steps you can consider:
- Support System: Reach out to people you trust. It can be close friends, family, or professionals. While it’s understandable to want to protect your privacy, it’s also essential to ensure you have emotional support during challenging times.
- Counseling and Therapy: Individual therapy can provide you with tools to cope with the emotional pain and understand your feelings better. Couples therapy might also be an option, but it would require both partners to be committed to the process.
- Support Groups: There are many support groups for partners of those with porn and sex addiction. Being part of such a community can help you feel less isolated and provide you with insights from others who’ve been in similar situations.
- Self-Care: Prioritize your mental and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you peace and relaxation. This could be hobbies, exercises, or just spending time with loved ones.
- Consider Your Options: While this is a challenging decision, it’s vital to reflect on whether staying in this relationship is the best choice for you and your child in the long run. Consider the environment you want for your child and the emotional toll this relationship takes on you.
- Legal and Financial Planning: If you’re thinking about making a significant change in your life, such as separation, ensure that you’re well-informed about your rights and have a plan in place. It might be beneficial to seek legal counsel and financial planning to ensure your and your child’s safety and well-being.
- Safety: If at any point you feel that your safety or the safety of your child is at risk, seek help immediately. Contact local authorities or helplines that can guide you.
Remember, you deserve love, respect, and a fulfilling relationship. Taking steps to ensure your well-being and happiness is crucial. Your feelings and experiences are real, and it’s essential to prioritize your needs. At Karuna Healing Counselling Services, our priority is to help individuals navigate their emotional journeys and find a path to healing and wellness. If you need to seek professional help, please don’t hesitate.
Also Read:
Attachment security and trauma in sex addiction recovery therapy
Best Sex Addiction and Betrayal Trauma Books
Mindfulness, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ACT in porn and sex addiction recovery therapy
